What's the point

Horny

Sun, 12 May 2013 12:48:45 -0500

Heading to Brown Bag Video in Ottawavfor some backroom action. Need to suck some cock and get mine sucked.

dalelazarov: Here’s STICKY #1, my first digital gay erotic...

Fri, 19 Apr 2013 09:12:51 -0500

Here’s STICKY #1, my first digital gay erotic comic. It’s a PDF file readable by all computers and tablet devices. It’s only $2.99 at http://gum.co/sticky1!

actionbuddy: Another one of those “Harlem Shake” videos… but,...

Fri, 15 Mar 2013 07:48:52 -0500

actionbuddy:

Another one of those “Harlem Shake” videos… but, hot.

National coming out day

Fri, 12 Oct 2012 23:58:29 -0500

Came and went again another year. Back when I still had close friends I would struggle every year wondering if that were the year I would finally come out of the closet. But now it seems pointless. I’ve waited so long I might as well wait until my parents die and save then the hassle. What do I gain by telling people I’ve been lying to them for decades. What’s the benefit of the scenario? It’s not like I’m dating or have any prospects at all of having a gay or straight relationship.

I’d probably lose my job, or at least be even more isolated than I already am. There are no openly gay people where I work which is kind of interesting because the executives say diversity is one of our core values. They pontificate about the virtues of having higher numbers of women and minorities in the workforce and still tell queer jokes in closed meetings. I could never find another job that pays as much as I make now.

So congrats to all those who stepped up and stepped out this year. To the younger guys and gals I say do it the earlier the better. Once you reach middle age you’ll be locked into a life based on lies.

It gets better, but eventually it gets worse again. Don’t let that window pass you by.

So depressed

Sat, 08 Sep 2012 22:42:38 -0500

A few years shy of fifty. Already obvious I’ll be spending the rest if my life alone.

So horny

Sun, 02 Sep 2012 15:33:17 -0500

Rough being ugly in Chicago. Wish there were some decent glory holes around. Really need some cock this weekend.

Another year half over

Sat, 23 Jun 2012 09:51:05 -0500

It’s Pride weekend in Chicago. Not feeling very proud. I spend my days fantasizing what it would be like not to be physically repulsive. Went to the parade last year and enjoyed it. But let’s face it, I was completely alone in a crowd of half a million. Not sure I’m up for that again this year.

On the weekends I rarely talk to anyone beyond people making change for a purchase. The closest...

Sat, 04 Feb 2012 22:33:24 -0600

On the weekends I rarely talk to anyone beyond people making change for a purchase. The closest thing I have to conversations is me commenting on someone’s Tweet. I’m often hesitant to share my true feelings on Twitter because I’m ashamed of them. Not that anyone who follows me on Twitter knows me or would recognize me in person. I’m envious of people who can just say what they think. It’s getting harder to pass as a normal person in public. If only invisibility cloaks really existed.

Sucked a few guys but no one to completion. Didn’t even try to get myself off. The video...

Mon, 26 Dec 2011 19:25:04 -0600

Sucked a few guys but no one to completion. Didn’t even try to get myself off. The video arcade really sucked this afternoon. Sometimes I just really want to suck a guy off. You’d think it would be that difficult a task to complete.

I feel the lack of intimate friends most acutely when traveling.

Fri, 09 Dec 2011 20:59:34 -0600

I feel the lack of intimate friends most acutely when traveling.

Luckily I’ve got gay porn to remind me what a disgusting, undesirable guy I am.

Fri, 11 Nov 2011 18:51:04 -0600

Luckily I’ve got gay porn to remind me what a disgusting, undesirable guy I am.

The loneliness of free time is upon me. I love the weekends for not having to work. I dread them for...

Fri, 11 Nov 2011 17:31:00 -0600

The loneliness of free time is upon me. I love the weekends for not having to work. I dread them for the long stretches of loneliness.

Fathers Day

Sun, 19 Jun 2011 08:43:56 -0500

Today is Fathers Day and I will call my father and tell him I love him. He’ll tell me he loves me. I’m not sure how he’ll feel, but I will certainly be relieved when the phone call is over. I’m not exactly how to characterize my relationship with my father. We’re certainly not very close. We’ve come to an understanding that I’ll call him and my mom every other week—not weekly, or even more often, like my sisters. He’s in his mid 70s, and I’ve kind of been waiting for his death. I’ve always assumed he’ll kill my mother and himself in a big car accident. He nearly killed a lot of the family in a car accident when I was 6. One of my sisters still has a steel plate in her head.

He’s the son of an alcoholic, and I think that’s shaped both our lives. He really hated his dad; I’m pretty ambivalent about mine. I guess that’s progress. Of course, it’s the end of progress because I’ll never be a father myself.

I’ve spent a lot of time wondering how I’ll feel after my father is no longer around. Wondering what regrets I have, and such. I know intellectually I’ll probably regret that my father never really knew me, but emotionally I think I’ll be relieved.

There are certain points of reference in my life—that bounce around my head forever. One of my earliest memories is me and my father at the doctor’s office. I’m not sure how old I am at the time—definitely 5 or younger. I don’t remember why I’m at the doctor’s office but apparently I have welts on my ass. I remember talking to the doctor the way kids do, agreeing that my daddy shouldn’t spank me so hard. I don’t have the memory of how I got the welts, but a childhood of being whipped with a belt leaves little doubt.

The next point of reference on this line is 10-ish years later after I’ve gotten another belt-whipping for, no doubt, something stupid I did. I’m in my bedroom at my desk waiting for the inevitable return of my apologetic father. As usual, he’s going to ask my forgiveness for getting so angry and whipping the shit out of me. We’re a very religious family now. This is the worst part of the whipping for me—having to tell my father it’s OK, I forgive him. Because if I don’t, he’ll whip the shit out of me again. The fact that I can’t tell him to go fuck himself is kind of a defining quality of my personality.

The third father point of reference is a couple years later. I’m an adolescent. I’ve lost the little-boy unconditional love of my father. My sister once referred to this time as “you know, when you and Dad didn’t like spending time together.” He’s come up from the garden to yell at me for not coming down and helping him without being asked. He loves to garden. I don’t. He loves to hunt and fish. I don’t. He tells me he wishes we were closer, that we had things we enjoyed doing together. He tells me I just didn’t turn out to be the kind of son he imagined when I was born. I don’t know if my father remembers this conversation or not. For me, it’s the defining point of our relationship. I’m not the son he wanted.

That’s something I’ve thought about nearly every day since. It’s part of who I am.

I’ve often wondered what my life would be like if my parents’ first baby, a boy, had not miscarried. Could be I wouldn’t even exist. I’ve often thought about how much better I would be at being a man if I had an older brother. No way to know for sure. But I’m a guy who lives in his head.

So a very cordial happy Fathers Day. I love you Dad.

Whew. Now that’s over for another year.

The verge of a thought

Sun, 12 Jun 2011 16:34:20 -0500

I’ve been on the verge of a thought lately, but I can’t seem to finish it. It’s like I get glimpses, but not the whole picture. I think the depression draws me back down again. As my birthday gets closer I get more depressed—a familiar pattern. Hmm, is that familiar or familial? I definitely take after the depressed side of the family. It will be a wonder if I don’t pull an uncle Claude.

The list of things that seem to hold me back is embarrassing. But I guess not all that much more embarrassing than my life. I guess the worst part of my birthday is that with each passing one it becomes harder and harder to present a facade that is not totally fucked up. If anyone knew the reality of it, they would be appalled.

The thought is glimpses of a whole person, a thriving person. Someone satisfied to live one day after the next. Someone who doesn’t spend the majority of the hours away from a job he’s come to hate on the couch or in bed.

I hope I figure it out one day.

Got a little

Mon, 30 May 2011 22:45:09 -0500

Stopped by Brown Bag Video in Ottawa today. I’ve been there a few times. Usually good for a blow job. I was really in the mood to suck cock today. Haven’t done it much. I wasn’t attracted to most the guys—although I’m sure I was the most unattractive guy there.

I caught one guy’s eye in white shorts with a nice bulge. After a few walk bys we were standing next to each other with me stroking his cock. I asked him if he wanted me to suck his cock and he waived me off. I went to a booth across from him and sat so I could see him. He kept stroking and looking at me. I took out my dick and started stroking too. He started stroking faster so I thought that’s he wanted. He eventually came over to my booth. I closed the door and bent over and started sucking his cock. It wasn’t super hard, but he did have a cock-ring on. Nice size cock, not too fat or too long so I could easily get my mouth around it. I sucked him for a few minutes and he really seemed to like it. He stopped before shooting and said he didn’t want to cum yet. Thanked me and left.

Maybe that was true, maybe I’m a lousy cock sucker. Guess I’ll never know.

That didn't work out so well

Sun, 10 Apr 2011 08:33:23 -0500

Not sure why I can’t stick to anything. Lonlieness is more dibilitating than I thought.

What was in my head today

Fri, 19 Nov 2010 19:54:45 -0600

Interesting meeting with the boss today. A brief “informal” chat about my personal objectives for the year. I’m a corporate whore and one of the things my employer does is a performance appraisal system based on individual goals/objectives. We’re assigned the goals towards the beginning of the year and then rated how we did towards the end of the year. Some part of our bonus (what littler of it there is) is based on the reviews. I’ve never been a fan of the system. My bonus has always been my bonus, regardless of the specific things I do.

I was quite the workaholic for a good 20 years. But after the brutal layoffs 2 years ago, I just don’t care anymore. I asked for a separation package and the bastards denied me. Probably tantamount to a death warrant. The golden handcuffs have really chaffed since then.

The last couple years, our ratings are “calibrated” by suited-VP for whom my department works. They’ve gone strictly bell curve. Lots of middle ratings and very few highest or lowest. My boss told me last year he tried to give me the highest rating and was denied.

So the whole thing really is pointless. It does not give me any kind of incentive at all.

My boss gave me the standard spiel, he’s pretty cynical about the whole process too. He told me to jot down some quick comments so he could put his comments in next week. All pretty standard corporate bullshit stuff.

Then he said he wanted to get personal and told me I’m too fat. Suggested I join the company’s gym and workout during the day. Like he does. And our VP does. And the executive VP does.

What I couldn’t really tell him was there is abso-fucking-lutely way I would appear at a gym with those guys. I could never expose my psoriasis-covered disgusting body to them. I couldn’t bear the humiliation. I don’t even wear shorts in anonymous public anymore. I just can’t bare the disgusted looks.

But I guess I should be glad he did this in private. Last time he told me I was too fat was in the Texas plant manager’s office. Even the plant manager balked at that one. And my boss also told the plant manager my boss’s job was just to keep me happy. I was pretty offended by that one too.

My boss used to give me Dilbert cartoons pretty regularly. I keep one posted on my desk where the cartoon boss calls Dilbert an idiot. My boss labeled the carton boss with his name, and labeled the “idiot” called in the cartoon with mine. I doubt he’ll ever know that I keep the cartoon as a reminder that my boss called me an idiot.

In another post, I’ll tell the story of how my boss in my introduction to my new job humiliated me in front of all my future colleagues. It’s a great story.

I'm going to die alone

Fri, 19 Nov 2010 19:27:51 -0600

I think I’m OK with that. Feels like I don’t really have a choice. I’m kind of pre-embarrassed for the mess I’ll leave. I was hoping I’d outlive my parents, but I don’t think that will happen.

No one who knows me in real life will ever read this blog, so hopefully I can be completely honest. That’s a big problem in my life. I’ve lied for so long, it’s hard to really tell the truth anymore.

When I was younger, I was convinced I’d never see 30. Turns out that is a common thought. Now I’m pretty sure I’ll never see 50.

No great loss. I’m not a bad person, but I’m certainly not really contributing to society. I have a job and can take care of myself, but no one’s life will really be affected when I’m gone. Sure my sisters and parents, nieces and nephews, will be sad, but they’ll get over it. I’m not really a part of their lives. I’ll just be that tinge of melancholy over the holidays.

I’ll say from the start that I’m not suicidal. I think about it a lot but I could never do that. I can barely tell a waiter/waitress my order is wrong, I could never take my own life. I’ve completely lost my mojo. Kaput. Gone.

But I’m going to try for complete honesty here. Except of course my identity. My only strength comes from anonymity. Not sure if there is a point to this. I guess we’ll find out in the end.